Wednesday, September 27, 2017

How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb? Wait... do they even do that?

If you were born with US citizenship, you have to know that you are pretty freaking lucky. And if you've only used your passport to travel but not actually live or study abroad, then you've probably been lucky enough to never have applied for a visa because US passports are pretty much allowed anywhere as long as you don't stay more than 90 days. Additionally, while we are used to the standard lines at the DMV, or the passport office, or any other place that involves bureaucracy - we are also used to bureaucrats in the US at least feigning that they care about customer service and that they'll try to avoid have adults melt into a tantrum fit while preparing and/or waiting... those interminable hours of waiting.

However, most other bureaucracies could not give a rat's ass if you lose your shit. They relish it. They thrive on it. They'll make you go to the back of the line and suffer some more. Now, I don't want to give the impression that the Spanish consulate is quite to this level but, that's because I'm not really sure if they are or not, since I did everything possible to avoid losing my shit, having my spouse lose his shit, and most of all making sure the preschooler didn't lose her shit AND looked cute and darling throughout the whole process. I did watch other people at the consulate lose their shit and boy, I wish I could have had some popcorn with me at the time because it was quite the show!

To begin with, the consulate's website is scarce with details on how to go about the whole process but here is what I recommend, because this is what I HAD to do:

Fill out the application and additional paperwork that is included on the website. Take any document that you have ever needed in your life to prove who you are (birth certificate, marriage certificate, US passports, written testimony of the doctor who delivered you), add in documentation that shows that you are on the up and up (FBI and your local state law enforcement agency - in our case CBI background checks, credit reports, bank account statements) and for good measure, make sure to have a medical certificate of good health signed and sealed by your primary care doc. You must also sign up for medical health insurance that will cover you in Spain with an international health insurance company. Have fun staying up until 2 AM and then trying to explain to a man with a thick Scottish brogue what the hell it is you need and why. As part of the completed packet that you'll be giving your consulate officer, you have to show documentation of the purchased health insurance.

Now, take all of your documents to your local Secretary of State to have them notarized and sealed with an apostille from the Hague Convention of 1961, then pay to have everything translated by an official translation agency (don't you dare do this yourself even if you have a Bachelor's Degree in Spanish NOR should you use Google Translate for this even though this would all be free), also have those translations notarized and sealed with an apostille.

Then - make copies! At least 4 of each piece of paper that you will be presenting to your consulate officer. OH!!! Did I forget to tell you that you need to make an appointment before all this? Yes, the appointment and interview process needs to be completed no more than 3 months before departure, and you "need" one for each person that is traveling - we managed to squeeze all three people into the one half-hour that I had been able to schedule online. You need two passport sized pictures of each family member as well. Don't get sassy about it like my spouse did asking "If they're getting copies of our US passports which have our pictures on them, why do they need us to take additional pictures?" - the answer is: I don't know, do as the bureaucrats want, sit down and shut up. Appointments are only offered Monday through Thursdays 9am to noon (at least this is the rule at the consulate we went to). They have a strict policy against answering any emails or phone calls so I don't suggest that you try to communicate with anyone that way.

After all of this, if you get approved, you must leave your US passports at the consulate while they work for up to 2 months on stamping them with your visa. However, when we went in it was only taking them about 2 weeks but just being without my passport for that long was making me breakout in hives. I mean, what if the zombie apocalypse took place and I need to flee to Canada or something....?!?!?! How could I do that without my passport?!?!?!

Overall, they were lovely at the consulate and as accommodating as bureaucrats can be. The cute kid who managed to hold it together until we were in the parking lot definitely helped (all done with the help of a bag full of snacks, water, and a tablet with some movies loaded onto it). If you ever want to go through this process yourself, contact me, I'll be happy to give you all the details that I can. In the end, it was a good preparation process for all the bureaucratic BS that we've had to deal with once we arrived in Spain, for example: You want to rent a place? You can't do that without your Spanish ID. You want your Spanish ID? You can't do that without a permanent Spanish address.

Remember that Wisconsin employer who was recently in the news for having his employees "voluntarily" get micro-chipped? I'm liking that idea more and more. Just micro-chip people with all the information any bureaucracy will ever need and then scan them when you need to go through some approval process. I swear it's like the whole world is conspiring to make my whole head into a shiny and sparkly, gray-haired disco ball well before my time.


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