Friday, February 17, 2012

Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies...

I lie.  Don't judge, cause you do it too.  Really.  We all do it, ALL the time.  Don't try denying it cause then you'd be lying.  We lie because it makes social interactions go smoothly.  We lie because we know that words can sting and hurt.  We lie because we want to make our friends and loved ones feel better.  We lie because we don't want to be rejected or punished.  We lie to save face, to avoid conflict, and to keep from rocking the boat.  We lie to avoid having to face an unpleasant truth about ourselves.  I mainly lie to not feel judged.  


When DH and I first starting dating we made a pact.  When you ask the other person "are you lying?" they must absolutely answer with the truth (so either yes or no).  These interactions go something like this:
     Me: Did you do x, y and z?
     DH: Mhm.
     Me: Are you lying?
     DH: Mhm.
     Me: Please go do x, y and z, ASAP.
You don't have to explain why you lied, you just have to tell the truth.  Sometimes, we answer with "maybe".  This is normally followed by an explanation like: yes, I am lying, but otherwise it'll spoil the surprise.  The other person will then let the issue go.  I don't know why but it has worked for 15 years.


This pact however, has not stopped me from lying to the rest of the world.  In the past few years I have tried to practice having honest relationships with people.  This can be really hard to do because it seems to me that people want to be lied to.  With some friends I can say something like: "I know we made plans but I'm really not up to it", I can explain to these friends why I don't want to do it and they don't judge.  I can say anything including: I'm just not in the mood, I just want to hang out on my couch by myself, I'm feeling grumpy cause I got in an argument with someone or I'm tired.  Most people don't want to hear this.  They want you to suck it up and put on a good face.  They think it's about them and take things personally, feelings get hurt and so on.


So, my solution to this is that I will now post the most common lies I use.  I hope you read it and know that when I use these I just might be lying to you.  Believing is your choice.  But know that I would instead rather have the relationship where I could just give you an honest answer and not have our relationship suffer because of it.


The lies I say the most:


1- I don't know.  This one buys me time to come up with a better way to respond with what you want to hear instead of just blurting whatever is on my mind and possibly hurting or upsetting you.
2- I didn't get the message.  Most likely I did get it and chose to ignore it for any number of reasons such as: I was in a bad mood, I didn't want to talk to you, I think you are an asshat and didn't care to help you out.
3-  Mmmmm, this (insert food product here that you prepared) was so good - yum!  Cause if we're honest, you don't want to hear that I didn't like it or that you did something wrong like forget to add salt, overcooked it, or any other number of things.  I am trying to not use this and instead just say something like: "thanks for sharing this, it was really nice of you to do", which it totally was nice of you to do!
4- I'm on my way.  And technically I am on my way, but just haven't made it as far on that way as you would expect/want.  Perhaps I'm just getting out of bed and heading towards the shower but hey, you are my eventual destination.  Don't judge.
5- I can't, I'm busy and I'd love to, but...  yeah, this means I wouldn't love to.  Normally, when I would really love to but can't I say something more like: "aw, crap/damn".  I'm also not busy, I just don't feel like it.  And of course I can, but I don't want to.
6- That's cute.  No, probably not; at least not to me.  But if you're asking me that's what you want to hear.  I really want to say that I don't like it but it doesn't matter because we don't have the same taste and if you like it that's all that matters but you don't want to hear that.
7- That makes sense/I get it.  Because if I don't follow I look like a moron, and this moron doesn't like to be judged for being a moron who doesn't follow what you're saying.


I would never lie.  I willfully participate in a campaign of misinformation. - Fox Mulder