Falling from Grace

It has been an 'interesting' few months... and by 'interesting' I really mean scary, sad, and uncomfortable.  Don't get me wrong, this hasn't been an ongoing and ever-present thing throughout the past few months but more of something like the Whack-an-Alligator game that you find at places like Dave & Busters where you whack the gator and it retreats but sure enough it comes right back out while speeding up.  It also hasn't been the only thing going on in my life, (more to come in future posts) so when the alligator attacks from the hiding hole it can exacerbate other irritants.  


What happened?  I fell from Grace.  What does that mean?  I fell out of favor with someone who can seem/feel God-like, at least to me.  How did that feel?  Scary, really scary.  Like I was taking a bungee jump with no bungee cord.  It meant consciously making a break from indoctrinated behavior, thought process and automatic response.  Sad, because I had chosen to ignore deplorable flaws as long as they didn't apply to me or affect me too much but now they can no longer be swept under the rug or hidden in the back room like we used to do to our 'touched' relatives.  And most of all uncomfortable, because falling from Grace meant hurting another in the process (not on purpose but inevitable), letting go of things I thought I knew and taking a big leap while trusting that the person I've become could do this.  All in all, let's just say wwwwwaaaaaayyyyy outside my comfort zone.


Falling from Grace has also meant awesome discoveries, like true and kind love, what having a tribe looks like, affirmation, confirmation and solidifying of affection/relationships, how to forgive myself and learning that I am strong enough to hold on to what I deem true and right... for me.  It has allowed me to grow as a person, I've learned to take the hit (although painful) instead of hitting back, and boy is it hard and tempting to hit back - I know that the alligator is hurting and therefore lashing out.  Could I hurt it some more by whacking it back?  Absolutely.  But I'm trying my best to resist even grabbing the mallet to avoid doing any further damage.


Unlike what we are taught by most religions, falling from Grace hasn't been a punishment, it has been a journey of discovery.  I have however willingly and conscientiously chosen to disobey and rebel by not conforming to the norm, I have chosen myself.