Yep. That is how I feel this year towards all the holiday. Don't get me wrong though, I'm not feeling Grinchy, angry or mean-spirited, just not feeling it period.
Not exactly sure of why that is... it's probably a combination of everything going on (and not going on) right now. I have a pretty bad cold, I'm not getting as much sleep as I need/crave, things are busy at work (I need to get stuff done ASAP and instead I'm doing this), simply not knowing (that is a BIG one) what's in store, and the list goes on.
So, I actually Googled "Christmas Spirit", because I feel like I am truly lacking that this year. The first link takes me to an eHow page, as in "How to get into the Christmas Spirit". It writes about things like shopping early for presents, wishing people a happy holiday with a smile, playing Christmas music, watching Christmas movies, decorating, volunteering or doing something nice for someone.
Well, money is tight so I don't want to shop for people, plus lately I feel like people are never really happy with what you give them or that I don't get that wonderful feeling of happiness by giving something they will truly enjoy/cherish/like, etc (selfish, I know).
And in this country, it is extremely hard to wish anyone a "happy holiday" because it has become such a point of contention. For example: Yesterday, I went to Party America to shop for a few little things would but some cheer into our End of Year Celebration at our Neighborhood Watch meeting. I found these really cute snowman plastic tablecloths and napkins and thought *perfect* because it represented winter with happy colors and would be a joy for everyone present: Latinos, Bhutanese, Burmese, Karen... the cashier asked: "Are you having a Christmas party?" and I answered that it was an end of year celebration. She made some off-hand remark about it really being a Christmas party, I smiled sweetly and said: "Well, we have people from all over the world attending who are Hindus, Muslims and such, so no, it really is a end of year celebration." She replied with a condescending smile, it didn't make me want to wish her a "happy holiday", instead I wanted to tell her to "bite me".
As for a Christmas movie, I was watching a Christmas TV show when I realized that I had no spirit this year, so that didn't really help...
Doing something nice for someone, really? Not that I am tooting my own horn, but I do nice things for people ALL YEAR ROUND. I don't save it up for Christmas AND I also do it for a living (not just in my spare time), that doesn't help my Christmas spirit, that helps my spirit as a person in my daily living, so... no.
Since I left home, every year I would carefully comb the stores for THE Card I would send out that year, buy a couple of boxes and start working on them the day after Thanksgiving. I was always so excited to wish people a good and happy holiday season and all the best for the new year, but, like I said - just not feeling it (so don't be surprised if the year comes and goes and you get bupkis in the mail from me).
But as I sat here and wrote this I realized that this lack of feeling in holiday spirit started last year. I cried as I wished my mom a Merry Christmas on the phone (crying at that time was a first for me), hearing her tell me about what they were doing with my nephews and niece to get them into the mood for the next morning (releasing balloons with their lists into the sky), and realizing that I haven't spent Christmas with my family since 1999. We vowed to each other that the next year would be better, good things were to come and were in store for us (and I believe they really are), and that just maybe we would be spending this holiday together. You see, my family can be dysfunctional, annoying, irritating, hurtful, insensitive, frustrating as all get out and may make me want to pull my hair and scream BUT they are also playful, funny, a food-appreciating bunch, complimentary, supportive, loyal and loving. I miss Christmas with them... any and all of them.
I would love a Christmas where:
- my sister Juli and I look for recipes, choose a menu and then cook all day
- I get to bake cookies and decorate them with the kids (while their mothers are in another room so as not to balk at the mess we make)
- I get to give my sister Cappy that one present that she wants but everyone else has forgotten to or decided not to give her
- I can hug Carolina as many times as I want until she finally gives in to how good those hugs make her feel and seeks me out to hug her again
- I can roll my eyes at things (or people) with my nephew Jose
- see Jorge enjoying my food
- while having DH (dear hubby) at my side to sneak kisses with and
- look at the smile on my mom's face
I don't think we'll be spending the holiday together this year, at least right now, it isn't looking like that will happen (but you never know). So, if you find that you have oodles, and oodles of holiday cheer and can spare some, maybe you can send some my way? Or at least be understanding when you go on and on about the holiday and just for this year I reply: bah, humbug!
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